Viewpoint Brief Bible Study #80 |
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The Christian religion is the worship and service of Jesus Christ. It’s not Mary we worship, but her Son. We worship neither saints, angels, a law code, nor even God’s Spirit. It’s JESUS who is to be honored. The Bible is our guide. |
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The
Fine Art of Loving
Loving SELF is Natural
Vol. 2 No. 42 of All About Families
by Norman BalesNovember 10, 1997 (JUST VISITING) -- Ann and I have just returned from the Pan American Lectureship series, which was held in Vera Cruz, Mexico this year. It was a joy to talk with some of our international subscribers and listen to their input concerning families and this newsletter. The need to improve our skills in family relationship transcends all social, ethnic, cultural and language barriers. More and more I am convinced that Satan is promoting his destructive schemes by disrupting families. We need to remain alert in our own families and lend helping hands to hurting families around us.
Learning to love is one of the most difficult skills to acquire in this life. I've never mastered another language (as I was painfully reminded this last week), but I would imagine that learning to love is something like that. I have gone through the discipline of trying to learn how to play a musical instrument. Playing the guitar requires determination, practice and dedication. I'm no Chet Atkins, but I've been working at it for more than forty years I never reach the point that I'm not open to "learning new licks." Learning to love is just as demanding, progressive and prolonged.
We receive quite a bit of mail from people who tell us they no longer love their mates. The underlying assumption behind all these statements is the belief that love is something you know how to do naturally. It's like being left handed. You're either born that way or you're not. But that's a totally mistaken perception. Love is learned. You have to learn how to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, ride a bicycle, swim, drive a car, work math problems and use a computer. Most of us have accepted one or more of these challenges. You don't forget about learning to speak Spanish just because you greet a person by saying "buenos dias" late in the evening. You don't give up on learning to ride a bicycle the first time you fall and skin your elbows. You don't stop trying to play the guitar, when you pluck the wrong string and produce a terribly unmusical sound. Neither should you give up on loving your spouse because your efforts sometimes fall short. Here are some suggestions to help you in the learning process. -- Norman
Learning the Fine Art of Loving
by Norman Bales"They cannot survive without love: they must have it or they will perish." Those were the thoughts of Smiley Blanton. He was reflecting on conversations with the people who visited his office during a long career, first as a medical doctor and then as a psychiatrist and psychologist. (Love or Perish. p. 3) I agree with Dr. Blanton's assessment, but just telling people they need love is a little bit like telling a drowning man that he needs air or a starving man that he needs food.
Sometimes we think our capacity to love is determined like musical talent. Some people have an ear for music and others seem to know how to carry a tune, but can't unload it. Love isn't the product of genes. We don't enter the world understanding love's requirements. We come into the world demanding attention from others, but if we are to live successfully with other people, we must learn to show our love through self denial and sacrificial service (Matthew 16:24; Mark 10:10). It's an acquired trait, one that requires a lifetime of fine tuning. To receive the maximum benefits from a loving relationship, you need to express love in the following ways.
1. Concentrate on being consistent in the practice of love.
In his book, The Secret of Staying in Love, John Powell said, "Effective love is not like a retractable point on a ballpoint pen" (p. 61). Suppose you were to announce to your spouse, "I'll be available for nurturing, support and sacrificial service Monday through Wednesday, but I'm reserving Thursday through Sunday to pamper myself." How do you think that would go over? Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:3 "If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." Love is an ongoing action.
2. Commit yourself to love unconditionally.
We short-circuit love when we say, "I'll love you if. . . ." or "I'll love you when. . . ." God doesn't love us that way. He loves us when we're not really very lovable. The Scriptures make that point unmistakably clear. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). If God loves us in our unworthiness, where did we ever get the idea that we can be selective in our love. If you're thinking you want out of your marriage because the magic has gone out of your relationship, you need to seriously ponder God's love for you. He didn't love you because of your loveliness.
The lessons of love are not easily learned. We're all oriented toward self-preservation, self-fulfillment, self-absorption, and self-glorification. In the flesh we wage a constant battle with pride, egoism, indulgence and arrogance. The Bible teaches the doctrine of denying oneself and taking up the cross (Matthew 16:24). Many never learn the principle of self denial and sacrificial service, but those who do, discover the most satisfying sense of self fulfillment and relationship satisfaction that's possible to experience in this life.
3. Love requires us to act beyond our feelings.
Sometimes, I look in my wife's eyes and I think she is the most adorable, attractive, wonderful person I have ever known. That's on a good day. Some days I think she is the most stubborn, unreasonable, argumentative person I have ever known, but I took her for "better or worse." I committed myself to love her regardless of what I feel at any given moment. Undoubtedly, she would say the same thing about me.
Love isn't always balanced. Sometime ago I heard someone talk about EGR Christians. EGR stands for EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED. You may wake up some morning and discover you're married to an EGR wife or an EGR husband. Worse still you may be the EGR spouse. When Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, he had to deal with Peter, who at that moment was an EGR disciple. Peter didn't want to allow the Lord to wash his feet, but that became the occasion for Jesus to show his followers "the full extent of his love" (John 13:1).
4. We must recognize the eternal
consequences of our love.It's a human tendency to withhold love. We're afraid to give love. Perhaps we think giving away love is like giving away your watch or your billfold, but when the dust of life is settled, it's not going to matter how many times you broke 90 on the golf course. God is not going to look at the number of racks of deer antlers you hang on the wall of your den when he reviews your life. When you come to the end of life the size of your bank account will not matter at all. You will not be given extra credit for growing exotic varieties of roses in your flower bed. God will show little interest in the number of mouth-watering recipes in your cook book. He's not going to notice whether your clothes came from Liz Claiborne or Goodwill, but he will notice how you loved. George Sweeting once said, "When we come to the end of life, the majority of us will say, `we did not love enough.'" Knowing that love will count so much in the end, doesn't it make sense to learn the fine art of loving now?
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MORE GEMS OF WISDOM ABOUT LOVE -- LOVE'S OPPORTUNITY: "I expect to pass through this world but once; any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again." - Stephen Grellett - 1773 -1855. -- THE RISK OF LOVE: "Answering the call to love demands much courage and determination because self-exposure always involves a risk of being seriously hurt." - John Powell The Secret of Staying in Love, p. 66. FEELINGS VS. ACTIONS: ". . . real love does not have its roots in the feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly, despite the fact that we don't feel loving." - M. Scott Peck. The Road Less Traveled, p.104. -- LOVE AND SEX: "If the thrill of sexual encounter is identified as genuine love, then disillusionment and disappointment are already knocking at the door." - James Dobson. Emotions: Can You Trust Them?, p. 46.
Tell your friends they can subscribe (e-mail) to All About Families by sending a message to aaf@allaboutfamilies.org with the Subject line SUBSCRIBE FAMILY.
Minden Church of Christ E-mail: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org
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Brief Bible Study #80 from Ray Downen. To go back to Viewpoint's first page, click < here. Or go on to Viewpoint Study #81. For Ray's concluding remarks, click HERE.